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Based on the results of this study—and more than 25 years of clinical experience—I have concluded that it’s not the of a sexual or romantic act that cause the most pain and do the most damage to a romantic relationship, it’s the lying, the emotional distancing, the loss of intimacy, and the disintegration of trust.As such, I have developed a definition of cheating for digital age that might help couples clarify what is and is not acceptable within the bounds of their relationship: Please notice that this definition does not directly refer to affairs, pornography, strip clubs, hookup apps, sexting, webcams, flirting, chatting, fantasizing, or any other specific sexual or romantic act.When that trust is broken, one partner feels betrayed, used, and taken advantage of.To a betrayed spouse, the emotional pain associated with the loss of trust hurts far more, and the pain lasts far longer, than the hurt caused by any specific sexual or romantic act.He is the author of books including Infidelity starts with the mere thought of being intimate with another person other than our spouse or hubby. The fact that some couples are more liberal than others does not changes the label - I assume.It only means that both parties wants to keep the door open as an excuse for "smaller" infidelities, because none of them are really committed to the other.
Consider these examples: None of these individuals has had an in-the-flesh sexual encounter outside of their primary relationship, and yet all four have been accused of infidelity by their spouse.
Moreover, it is flexible depending on the relationship; it lets couples define their own version of fidelity based on what is important to them, as determined through honest, nonjudgmental discussions and mutual decision making.
For some couples, behaviors like looking at porn or flirting on Facebook might be perfectly OK, so long as the couple has agreed that the behavior fits within the boundaries of their relationship and secrets are not being kept.
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Infidelity is not defined by a specific behavior; it is defined by the secrets that are kept, the lies that are told, and the damage that is done to emotional intimacy and relationship trust.