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I think if you are ill too, you need to start thinking of your health and getting other treatment because if you are not well, there is no way you will be able to take care of him or anyone else, or be able to go on with your future.I didn't have anyone to help me either and I know how burned out you are and I had 2 kids 9 & 16 when he got sick and I know where you are with it because I had no financial help anymore (took 18 months for disability) so I worked 60 hours a week to support him and the 2 kids, no sleep, very little food, weight loss, anxiety, depression and nobody to lean on for support or help while I just could have 30 minutes to take a breath.
we also waited 18 months for his disability, needless to say, we're not exactly 'well to do'. i am a firm believer in fidelity, but i believe there are exceptions to the rules in some cases...these.
I don't know how to get feelings back that I no longer have, they are all gone and counseling won't bring them back. And you need to find a support group so you won't feel so lonely, even if your husband can't be convinced to get help. Find some friends and plan a monthly outing, dinner or a movie. Start with little changes, don't try and change things all at once. (I also took care of my severely ill, bed-ridden mother for 2 1/2 years until her passing this past Sept) I am chronically depressed, have chronic anxiety/panic disorder. I am 52, he is 45...i'm afraid of having a stroke or heart attack. I, too am sick, but had to stop treatment due to not being able to tolerate the side effects...suicidal tendencies. I don't want to hurt my husband, I could not live with myself, yet I hurt every second of every day. I want to go on with my life while I'm still alive & am able to. He is 57, I am 47 and like you there is no marriage, but I don't want to hurt him as he was a fantastic husband and father for 17 years but the last 8 years it has been like being a parent again.
What about a taking a class in something you like to do? I am curious, as I am in a very similar situation, did you stay? My husband & I have been married for 11 years; it's been 5 years since his stroke & 1/2 our marriage. It is a very tough situation and no support that I could find online and counselors usually try to keep the marriage together that is why I chose not to go to counseling.
I work and take care of the house and we basically stay home by ourselves.
Good Luck, let me know what you decide, it is tough as it seems like it will never end.
You can hire someone to come in and watch your husband if he can't be left alone. I have a friend who I could talk to and he got me through the first several years.